I date men (and occasionally women). Personality based confidence shows through by the end and really is the deciding factor. The tall, attractive, muscular guys do benefit from their physical traits yes, but the moment they start acting shy and insecure it's game over (for me).
I think people keep getting the wrong idea what confidence means and keep thinking it's this inaccessible magic trait that only god-like men are blessed with. No. It's pretty basic stuff and most men are capable of exhibiting these traits because they do it at work. If you can do it at work or with your friends, then you can do it with a love interest. It's the same set of skills.
A lot of men don't even try to approach you. The men with confidence try. They just come up and say "Hi. What's your name?" They don't hem and haw when they need to make a decision. They decide quickly without hesitation that they want to do something with you (such as dance, drink, eat, go somewhere else, get your number, etc). They don't spend the whole night beating around the bush before getting to the flirtation part. They keep the night moving along toward the end goal.
After the introductions are over, the chitter chatter is over, the relationship discovery is over, and the flirtation is over, they get to the business of asking you out or asking if you want to go to their pad. The destination depends on whether it's a dating or hook-up scenario. They don't make this a long drawn out process. It could be anywhere from 5 minutes to 60 minutes.
Men without confidence do things differently.
•they don't try
•they don't direct the activities or steer the direction of the date
•they don't have a goal
•they are flaky and indecisive
•they drag the process out all night when it should go quickly
•they don't make non-sexual physical contact
•they give up after the first rejection (if you're rejected, move on and try someone else)
•they often don't know what comes next (they don't know the process)
What non-sexual physical contact is referring to is hand holding, brushing arms, touching the nap of the neck or back, putting arms around you, hugging, kissing, etc. Edit: I'm going to clarify this a bit more. This is not forced contact in any way. Nor is it contact that's out of context, unexpected, undesired, or sexual. Let's say you're both having a drink in the bar and she is giving signs she's interested. She's intently listening to you, doing hair flips, fiddling with her hair, her feet are pointed toward you, she's actively engaging your conversation, and she's smiling. Brush her hair aside and comment how beautiful she looks. That's contact. When you need to get up to use the restroom, gently rest your hand on her forearm and lean in to tell her you'll be right back. That's contact. Let's say you're chatting and you ask her if she wants to go have a slice of pizza. You get up and help her put on her coat. As you leave the business, you lock your arm with her arm as you walk down the street. That's contact. Now you enter the pizza shop. As you're waiting to be seated, put your arm around her waist and pull her closer. Lean in and say her hair smells wonderful. That's contact.
Now, what is the process? Here it is in very quick summary form for a pickup:
1.Introduce yourself. Get their name and basic info. Are they local? What does she do for a living?
2.Get their availability status. Are they single? Are they married? This is a signal you're interested.
3.Initiate non-sexual contact (as mentioned before). This is a signal you'd like to move forward.
4.Ask them if they want to go to a non-sexual safe destination. A restaurant. Coffee shop. Pizza. Dancing.
5.Ask deeper questions. Get to know them. Find out what they like.
6.Get their phone number or facebook. This is another signal.
7.If this is a sex pickup, then ask them to go back to your place.
8.If this is not a sex pickup, then you part ways and call them 2 days later. That's when you ask them for a formal date.
If at any point she starts rejecting you and showing signs she wants out, that's when you bail. Makeup an excuse if need be and part ways.
Sending these signals is critical and you're not likely to get anywhere without them. Most women will know what they mean and expect them as part of the process. Think of the process as a combination to the safe. The safe isn't going to open unless you dial in the combination.
My references: someone who has dated women and met shy yet sexy men where their shyness killed the moment
