I'm leaving you on religious grounds. I've decided to become a Jew, and you're a fucking pig.


"Hey, your ex is kinda hot."
"Which one?"
"Me."

"They say there are plenty of fish in the sea, so I'm gonna go back to holding my rod until I catch something else."

Wanna have some breakup sex?


"Baby, do you know why I like having you around? me neither, I'm done."

Don't forget about Homer's classic line: "Dear Baby. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You." (This was well before the now cliche "welcome to _____-ville" lines that are just played out now.)

What's old, broken down and not going anywhere?
This relationship.
What's red, white and filled with salty water?
Your eyes in about 5 minutes from now.


How much does a polar bear weigh? Too much to be my girlfriend.

passes off letter ala elementary school "Do you wanna be my ex-girlfriend?" Circle yes or yes 

 I wish we were better strangers.

"Roses are red Violets are blue Garbage is dumped And so are you."   Baby me and you are like doing pushups with your knees touching the ground.... This just isn't working out"   "everyone with a boyfriend raise your hand, not so fast honey"

"It's not you, its my penis"